Panic attack

10 Dec

I flaked yesterday. My exams start from Monday, but I’ve not been able to study because I’ve been panicking for a month. Silly, really. I’ve been a mess, I’ve driven away peace from my heart and that is just feeding the darkness that has been overtaking me.

At nine last night I had a full meltdown. Tears, hyperventilation, the full mile. I wrote in my diary ‘I can’t’. Me parents, bless them, said they’ll support me no matter what my decision. That not giving exams wouldn’t be the end of the world, that it wasn’t worth the stress it was causing me. I decided to chuck the exams then. And consequently wondered whether that also meant I was dropping out of the MPhil. I had doubts, major doubts suddenly. About whether this was for me, whether I needed it, whether the pressure of the degree was interfering with the learning and bla bla. Even though I was pained at my failure, I decided this was it. Drop out, and finish the second sem as an auditor (because I really have loved the learning bit). At eleven at night I shot off a mail to a prof asking what options I’d be left with and that I was thinking of quitting the programme. She called back this morning and talked sense into me. She was really nice. So now I’ve changed my mind. I’m giving the exam however I can. Screw the grades. As long as I pass, the messy threads of this disasterous time would be tied up. It’s a qualifying exam, the grades don’t matter in the long run, only the thesis does.

My Guru watches out for me even when I don’t deserve it. I’m praying to just get through these five days. I’m going to use the break to get my heart back in order. I need to reconnect with God. Without God in my life, I’m a mess. Nothing works like it should. I’m unhappy, thinking dangerous thoughts. My baser self rules. That self has to be buried and transformed through divine love.

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