Enervate!

20 May

I’ve not completely abandoned the blog you know. Every now and then I shall come in here, point my wand and attempt to magic it into some sort of a gentle, lumbering existence.

I’ve gone non-anonymous on my other blog, so some of the material that I used to reserve for this blog now goes there. However, the feminist blog that I edit for has my photo, my name and my other blog address in my profile (somehow, that just feels right, which is why I said ok! You can name my blog!) and that is just TOO MUCH identification on the internet.

So I like to hide in here now and then. Particularly when I want to write about spirituality and my relationship with God. I’m not ashamed of it (seeing as how it defines my life) but I’m not ready to go ‘public’ with my thoughts. It kind of hasn’t bode (boden? nah.) well in the past. You can’t talk faith with non-believers, or those who believe with much less-intensity than you do, because then most of the conversation is taken up by explanations, reasons and stories of the many times God has rescued me and filled me with love and joy. I’m done with that, I’ve learnt my lesson, lol. Those stories should be mostly private. Or atleast, I think they should be in my case.

Soo, the meditation routine. I started in March, this is May. It’s actually going pretty well, all considered. I’ve had more non-meditation days this Month than in the past two. But yay, those days no longer feel normal 🙂

It’s not an easy journey. I’ve begged and prayed several times to be rescued when I’ve felt myself slipping out of constant awareness of God, days at a stretch when meditation has been hard and impossible. And God has never said no. I’ve always found my way back to deep prayerful meditation, meditation that feels as if I’m on the right track because my heart swells with joy while I’m in it and then for the rest of the day I’m aware of the Divine presence and love. Those are wonderful spells, while they last: I become a different person. I’m efficient, joyful, learning well, full of energy because I’m centered not on those activities but on GOD. Isn’t it wonderful how making your activities subservient to the love and will of God actually ends up with you dealing with those activities better?

I’m trying to hold on to that always. Trying to make all waking moments and all activities a service and worship to God.

It’s not always easy. The past one week has been spiritually difficult. First, my Grand mum was over, and I find my routine gets disturbed when visitors are over (I need to get over that!!) and then I was sick (because I thought I was immune to the Kolkata sun and discovered I was not :P). I have faith that I will again be led so I find my way.

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