Relapse

24 May

It’s astonishing how quickly bad habits resurface. Or maybe I should not be surprised: it’s not as if I’ve not read countless warnings about this wee thing.

I’m in final submission month. Which means 4 short papers (1500-3000 words) and four term papers (5000 words) to be submitted in the space of a month and a half. That’s actually more than enough time if one were to work sincerely and with a steady momentum throughout. I even started out well, getting done with one assignment in record time (for me). But then I got sick, my awareness of God began to leave me and now I’m in a state where I’m nowhere near my original plan of completion, I’m not dwelling on god at all, eating badly and lazily. And working reallllyy slow. This is the kind of behaviour that leads to panic attacks eventually.

I wonder if it’s a pressure situation vulnerability that I have to work against. Or whether this would have happened anyway. I think it’s the pressure of submissions. I’m repeating my behaviour from last Decvember when I had exams and completely flipped. I’m spending hours reading blogs (I usually just stick to updates on my reader), reading Harry Potter fanfiction (which I have stopped enjoying in non-submission times) playing pottermore (now that it’s open to the public: and by the way, it’s AWESOME :D) and eating badly. The last time something leafy and green went into my digestive system was way too long ago. It’s almost as if I need to have a constant source of entertainment to refer back to for respite from the ‘hardwork’ I’m supposed to be putting in. I cling to these like a zombie, really like a zombie, and mess myself up uber much.

Oh well. Kolkata had a slutwalk today. I really wanted to go. Ok I lie. I wanted to go to the slutwalk; what I really wanted to go to were the last two hawkers movement events last week and yesterday. It’s not because I think labour issues are more important than gender issues. It’s because something about that appeals more than the slutwalk. If I had to choose between the two, I’d choose the labour issue. I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel I have more control over gender issues and it can be more private than labour issues can ever be, It’s a simplistic explanation and maybe even understanding, but that’s how it goes in my head.

I need to step out in the next couple of days for some fieldwork. And to pay my internet bill. Were I the normal, non-exam-time-me, I’d have really looked forward to it, even despite the 40*C and the 99% humidity. I can’t even curse the weather because it’s May; if it doesn’t get hot and humid in May, when will it? I’m not looking forward to it this time though. My energy seeps out with my attitude.

My dupatta is fluttering like a sail against the fan’s breeze. The curtain rod fell off the balconey door-which is made of glass so now my room is lit up like a specimen case for the benefit of the outside world. My stop-gap arrangement is draping my lovely cottony duppata around the top half the door; attaching it by clips to the bolts. My yoga mat bag also helps in the complicated arrangement. Atleast I can pretend I’m at sea. Which I am, until my prayers are answered 😛

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