Off kilter, and thankful for it.

4 Jan

(I just googled ‘off kilter’ to see if I was using it right. Sometimes words spring out at me and beg to be used in writing, words that I would not otherwise use in speech or have used in writing previously. Sometimes I’m right in ‘remembering’ their essence. Sometimes, I am not. Case in point: noisome.)

Hm, as I did not mention in the previous post (did I?), I’ve been feeling a bit off. And an overindulgence of the holiday spirit (every end of the year feels like that, unless there are exams to follow in January.) is what has led to me feeling off-kilter and without awareness of God. I’ve spent the first few days of the year mildly sick and was beginning to enter into one of my usual spirals of worry: where I worry about EVERYTHING and gather storm clouds like little speech bubbles around my head. I feel ‘stuck’, like my better self knows I ought to change my behaviour but just doesn’t know how to do it.

EVERYTHING is off. My health, my relationship with my family  and friends (me indulging my sense of being misunderstood and unwanted-how very adolescent of me.), the next steps for my dissertation….

…(I should be converting my presentation into a chapter! I should be thinking about the feedback to it! I should be attending the talk by that fellow also working on my topic! I’m sick, so I won’t attend, but oh dear even my guide messaged asking me to attend, but I’m not going; is it a good enough reason that I’m sick with a cold and unreceptive or should I have sucked it up and gone? I’m such an awful daughter. I don’t want to be a daughter, I want to be a person!)…

And on and on and on. So why am I thankful for feeling chaotic and out of control? Because it reminds me of my goal and how useless I am without the Love. And from this realisation comes calmness and I ask, as always, what next? How do I take a flying leap over this state of being and go back to the me which can pour out love to God again? And because the Lord is kind beyond measure, I just re-realised with a flash what I already theoretically know: that at all points in my life, the FIRST priority is my relationship with God. Ergo, when I’m feeling off and I have the options of prioritising between work/study, family, whatever else, and God, the answer is really ridiculously simple. I need to work on me, till I’m in God again, in my tiny little way. Everything else will take care of itself.

So! From tomorrow! I prioritise my spiritual routine, which had gone for a toss the past two weeks. And even if that takes up all day and I get no ‘work’ done, that’s perfectly fine! A-ok! Tip-top! (<–Too much Salman Rushdie,again).

P.S- And adding to my New Years resolutions, no more movie downloads. They’re really bad for me, I know it, yet I still do it. That, my friend, is utter stupidity.

I must also add here, after consuming some sixteen movies of Mr. Firth in half a month (!!) that I take back my statement about him choosing well. Lol!To be fair to him, he mentions in several interviews that he doesn’t have a career trajectory. He doesn’t plan. Or something like that.

(It isn’t fair to compare him with Alan Rickman, they really are very different actors, but I can’t help it anyway. I detest watching Colin Firth in the bad guy roles because he really creeps me out. You know why? Because of his smile! His innocent, boyish smile that seems to come from some well of goodness deep within him-that coming from a bad guy is really, really unnerving!)


One Response to “Off kilter, and thankful for it.”

  1. countingducks January 4, 2013 at 11:04 pm #

    I hope you feel less “off kilter” and more balanced soon. Feeling out of sorts is not a good way to start the year, but also not abnormal after a break from routine, and the questions that asks about ourselves

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