Demand from God

13 Jan

There is a teaching that I have been slow to grasp: the teaching of demanding from God with the faith that God will give. I think I have found it difficult to reconcile between surrendering to the Will of the Beloved and asking of the Beloved something. If I wish to surrender, how can I ask for anything?

It is not as if I am able to surrender all the time (or even 50% of my waking moments) and it is not as if I do not ask. It is just that my orientation and ambition have been more towards the former than the latter. The word of God that I receive from my spiritual teachings exalt surrender, but they also speak of love for God being the most important part of one’s practice and a part of that relationship of love is asking from God like a child might demand from her parent.

2014 was a right challenging year for me; it wasn’t a bad year as much as it was turbulent. I spread myself out too thin work-wise and consequently got very little done, I had a most aggressive spell of mind issues for the last five months of the year and I could not meditate regularly. The constant awareness of God and constant silent outpouring of love and devotion that used to be my friend, became the exception rather than the norm.

My Didu (grandmum) passed away on the 29th of December, very suddenly. Her death made me realise, amongst other things, that I don’t want to spend 2015 being subservient to my anxiety and mind issues. I want to make some active changes in my daily routine so I can move towards being a loving, stable adult most of the time. I’m not volatile in a knife-wielding kind of way (:D) but my struggles with my mind keep my inner life very busy, keep me away from the people important to me and make meditation very, very difficult.

It is in times like this, when my mind is not behaving and lack of meditation makes my connection with God feel thin, that I think I learn to understand the importance of demanding from God that He be with me, instead of turning away, head hanging, believing I have failed God by not keeping up my meditation practice.

I was thinking of this today, and on coming home, found a similar subject appearing in two blog posts. I have been following both blogs via Christie Minich’s blog for a while now and am greatly encouraged by their discipleship. This is the first one and this is the second. Both the posts are coming from a place of deeper suffering and I would not even begin to imagine that our experiences are on similar playing fields. I am, however, deeply grateful for the words they shared for they ministered to me and reminded me of an aspect of my relationship with God that I need to develop.

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