If I’d told a few-years-ago-me that I’d love velvet some day, a few-years-ago-me would have laughed in my face. But *shrug* I do, and I think I went over to the dark side in 2020. I associate it more with dramatic renaissance costumes, witch cloaks and Doctor Who coats than Delhi-wedding wear (which would still get an ugghh from me). I like rich velvets and I cannot lie, though cotton velvets are harder to access these days compared to synthetic ones. This entire first paragraph was motivated by the sheer joy I’m feeling currently in being clad in velvet-corduroy tights? trousers? this piece of apparel defies an easy label. Not something I would have bought, it was a gift, and as I’m still massively behind on my laundry, I am slowly going through the last remaining items of my closet. And re-discovering my love for velvet.

***

I’ve been stymied for over a week over a freelance assignment that involves stuff pitched at eighth graders. Stymied in the exact same way as I’d been over my PhD dissertation. The universe laughs and laughs and laughs.

See, it was never about the actual intellectual material being wrestled with. It was always about my inability to relax because of self-doubt, fears, anxieties etc. About having a natural reaction of shutting down, or turning away from the task at hand in the face of such fear, as opposed to relishing the opportunity to meet it and vanquish it.

I thought I had made super major strides in addressing this, over the uber long PhD. And I have, but it’s not gone completely, and much work still lies ahead in the quest to uproot it for good. Part of the task ahead, in the years to come, is to constantly, actively re-apply all the insights and learnings that came from the PhD process during the victories won. The how-tos of tackling this, (re) applied from context to context, until it becomes second nature, like muscle memory. And a major part of the task ahead is to keep my attention on what I’ve been increasingly realising and experience-i.e. just how much ‘I’ (by which I mean my physical body and emotional and psychological self) am a product of how my chakras are functioning. Anxiety is courtesy that chakra malfunctioning. Depression/low mood is such and such chakra slacking off. The lack of a can-do fightiness-that chakra is to blame. Knowing this, realising this is one part- the other part is addressing the chakras directly to change the way I’m feeling/responding. This is why kriya yoga is SUCH a gift. Such a gift. It literally sucks it all-all the feelz- out of the spine, infusing lightness and joy instantly. Every single time. The ‘mood’ is either fully gone or substantially reduced. As you work on the spine, you literally feel the energy moving, up into the higher chakras. This is a priceless, priceless gift, offered to ordinary folks like us. No begging for thirty thousand years to adepts in mountains for yogic techniques like this in today’s time. It’s offered to all. What a gift.

In view of this, it is additionally hard knowing how to answer the question-how is your mental health? Mental health before or after the kriyas/and or addressing the chakras? Something for me to ponder about, for this is a question that was posed to me recently in the context of a life direction/career move that I’m contemplating. How to define and measure mental health?

***

Today evening the goal is to have an early dinner and co-work with a friend over whatsapp for a couple of hours. A quick meditation, then return to the freelance assignment, with caffeine if needed, so I can bring this one to a close, and proceed to the more fun ones tomorrow. Here goes!

Yesterday I figured out how to make a Dutch braid and was mighty pleased with myself. I had always assumed it would be too difficult, but an internet tutorial showed me how it is basically the inverse of a French braid. If you can make that, you can make this- the only difference lies in what order you move the three sections of the braid. I love the internets, have I mentioned? 🙂

I’d hit a bit of a slowdown in dissertation progress since mid-May. Same culprit-I was beginning a new bit, and was temporarily clueless about how to go about it. This in-limbo stage, I see, historically frightens me and shuts me down. Lack of belief in the self etc etc. The ideal thing to do is to continue to stare at the open document anyway, for the path ahead does reveal itself. But, because I shut down, I can’t do that and have to let nature take its slightly longer course. This is something I’ve been working on addressing, and had made a fair bit of progress between March-mid-May. More (progress) will come. Intense inner difficulties do not get resolved instantly, most of the time. Re-making deeply ingrained thought patterns is very hard work.

The only thing that helps me is being able to return to a state of consciousness where I remember where everything comes from-including my thoughts and the way to approach lit review for the second case study B-) From that higher consciousness of the Universal Set, so to speak. In that consciousness I remember and know in my bones, again, that that greater reality is much, much bigger than the reality of my incompetence, if that makes sense. It helps me get myself out of the way, which is the only way out for me.

The slowdown seems to be easing now, though it took a few weeks. I wish I hadn’t lost weeks, but it is what it is. I can see what needs to be done, so I know the tempo will increase again.

I had hoped, in this year of many, many changes, to take myself off for a spiritual retreat after submission. However, now that I shall be submitting towards the end of the year, rather than this month, I can’t wait that long. One phase of my life ends this year, another begins, and I need guidance and clarity.

Do I act on the insights that have come since 2020 or not?

So next week I am off to one. The opportunity came, and I took it. I have many things to figure out in terms of what next, including giving consideration to a curveball of an option that came out of nowhere, but is refusing to vacate my mind. I’m reminded of the career counselling that our school arranged in Class Ten, before we picked out subjects for the final two years of school. I thought I wanted to study medicine, loving blood and gore and guts (I kid. Sort of. I could not get enough of those emergency room programmes on Discovery Channel and I was fascinated by the inner working of the human body). But the career counsellor looked at my aptitude test thingies and said yes okay, but have you considered this, and changed my life. ‘This’ being film-making because he noticed that I had a propensity for creative expression across forms. I never became a film maker, but I did choose to study literature for my undergrad and have been airing out that side of my being and personhood since then. (Going into science and tech would have been like existing without 3/4th of my self, in hindsight).

I’ll be carrying my work with me because no choice. However, since my work is not different from worship at the moment-in both and for both I’m trying to equally inhabit that higher consciousness, with urgency-I don’t think that should be a problem.

Oof, I do not envy those who must be in the public eye! Especially those who must bring esoteric truths to us folk, and speak the truth(s) and love of God. Because for every sincere soul that is receptive to them, there are ten (unqualified) Toms, Dicks and Harrys (excuse the mangling of the phrase) who will have an opinion about the teachings and throw shoes at them.

Online spiritual forums are tricky places. On the one hand-there’s a lot they have to offer, through the exchange of experiences and discussion amongst people who are on similar journeys, and who would not otherwise have met. Sometimes people end up being able to communicate more and better through forums. And those things are searchable.

But also, it is rare to find forums that remain kind and loving for very long. Human nature is on full display on those things, as everywhere.

It also gets my goat when ordinary spiritual practitioners (and we’re all ordinary until we perfect the Love and have nothing of us left behind…) see fit to pass judgement on realised beings-as if they somehow know better. I’m not allowed to have my goat got :-\ So I really need to stay off them. And yet…

I try as hard as I can to be a lurker, but once or twice I can’t hold myself back from responding to a post or two. I do try to hold myself to a certain standard of conduct, but I lack the thick hide one sometimes needs for those interactions.

There are mostly two forums I lurk in- one formed by fellow disciples from my lineage, another formed of practitioners of a broader common lineage. The former is a terrible advertisement of the path/teachings, lol, whilst the latter, by and large, has a better standard of discourse and conduct. However, it has too much of -my path is the REAL path, the others are inauthentic/wrong/not the original-for my liking. And it also genuinely puzzles me how people who sincerely practice a spiritual method for self and Self realisation, can fail to notice or acknowledge the multiplicity of routes back to the Source, to God. Why would the uncontainable Divine, that expresses itself in literally uncountable ways, say ‘no, no, this is the one single path back to me’? There wouldn’t be realised beings from every spiritual tradition if that were so, no?

Edit: I’m not unaware of the irony here! By writing something like this, I’m doing exactly the same thing I accuse those forums of doing, lol.

Things have been eventful the last week. The reviewer comments came in for the piece I’m trying to publish, and my peers and I learnt we can apply for another extension on the PhD. The first flattened me for a few days, even though most of the comments were fair, if more immoderate in language than they need to have been, and the latter was acted upon immediately. I hope the extension comes through, because that is the only way I can hope to write my dissertation and revise my article.

I’m doing a few cafe days again, because desperate times etc. With a mask, with a face shield for the expensive cab commute and hand sanitiser. I’ll make the most of it while I can; one doesn’t know if or when the cases will begin to shoot up in Kolkata again, like they are doing in Maharashtra. It will be back to home confinement then, even though it’s a tremendous privilege to have a comfortable home in these difficult times.

I’ve a lot on my mind in this first quarter of 2021, all of which I’m navigating anchored to the Divine and my meditation practice. I’m at a coffee shop today, but several hours in, I’m yet to open the word doc on my chapter. Despite the caffeination, I’m craving a nap, which won’t do. I’m due to wrap up a rough draft of some stuff by Friday. I’m also overdue on backing up my laptop and transferring more than a year’s worth of multimedia from my phone. The laptop is more urgent, since Windows wants me to update my OS soon-and there is no telling how that will affect the system.

I usually like to do an end of the year rounding up kind of post, where I recall and remind myself of the progress I’ve made, on the PhD, and other stuff. It is a useful thing to have written down in one place when I’m trying to remember where the year went. Well, two places, here and my journal. It’s even come in handy when I’ve had to suddenly update my CV for a thing I’m applying to, or submit progress reports to my University. So, here goes, at end of the first weekend of the new year, short version-

PhD:

• Began two drafts of potential journal essays. Eventually submitted one, after a lengthy process (had it returned by the editors with comments, heavily reworked the piece, and successfully re-submitted; it’s now in the peer-review system, after which, best case scenario, I’ll have some more reworking to do), and am using the second (much more interesting) one in a chapter.
• Became much better acquainted with the whole eco-system of indexed, peer-reviewed journals and academic publication. Turn-around times, genres of work accepted, reputable paid journals versus less reputable paid journals, amongst other things. It’s a frightening world, with often systems unfair to scholars and first time authors on tight deadlines, with a few bright beacons, one of which is the journal I’m trying to publish in.
• Re-discovered the network of fellowship that exists amongst some fellow-scholars, when I reached out to a couple of more seasoned scholars to enquire about journals with quick turnaround times that might be interested in accepting an article like mine, if my journal of preference did not work out. Whilst there are some who are highly competitive and secretive, there are others who are generous with their knowledge, networks and in sharing what they know owing to their seniority. May their tribe thrive!
• Had a journal reach out to me (!), asking if I’d be interesting in reviewing a submission they’d received in my area of work. Not going to lie, that felt really validating! The editor and I knew each other from two conferences, one of which we’d both presented at, so they knew of my research. (Couldn’t take it up though- I didn’t feel ready, and also I was on too tight a deadline myself with my journal article to risk taking this on while doing a good job of it.)
• Applied for and received the final, final extension allowed by my university, along with the rest of my batch.
• Began to make headway on the fieldwork chapters, towards the end of year, and am watching it fall into place unexpectedly, and better than my original plan (thank goodness).
• Had multiple very supportive interactions with both my supervisors, about the project, and also the article, one of who went out of their way to give me detailed comments and suggestions on two versions of my journal article draft. Supervisors do not usually do this.
• One of the most important PhD related things that happened was ofcourse internally receiving the indication to push on and finish. It was definitive, and made all the difference. I now feel reasonably certain that I will be able to submit.

Spiritual:

• Had multiple opportunities throughout the year to practice the intention I’d set for the year- to surrender to exactly where I was (rather than fighting it), and worship and carry out my practices from there.
• Began a daily meditation routine from end-Feb, which is now officially the longest, unbroken streak of meditation I’ve managed since 2012. This feels like a landmark. While I’ve barely practiced my proper techniques this year (intensity, and not technique or duration was my criteria), the daily habit feels deeply entrenched. Which is huge, given how much I’ve struggled to establish regularity since 2012. I feel I can build on this, going forward.
• Finally began my Kriya practice, a little more than a year after receiving my initiation. I’ve been highly irregular, and I don’t think I’ve managed a session since Guru Purnima, but nonetheless, this is a significant landmark in my personal practice. I was taken aback, to put it mildly, by the additional deepening the technique enabled. Again, this feels like something I can now build on, rather than having to work at breaking ground.
• The events of the year, and the blessings that abounded because of it, ensured a deepening of attunement and relationship. I began to understand better what it means to draw on Guru and God to do stuff that I had no strength for. (And that is my intention for this year-building on that, practicing drawing on that strength, and that joy, at will, for tasks that I usually find difficult.)
• Did a bit of regular Pranic Healing for the first half of the year.

Other life stuff:

• Lived alone for a year, handled whatever had to be handled by way of housework etc, and enjoyed it. It’s good to know I can do this.
• Worked on a fundraiser.
• Did two stints of the good freelance work, and a short stint of the less pleasant one. A total of four and a half-ish months.
• Wrote a lot, arrived at my public writing voice, put more of my writing out than I possibly ever have, and also published two pieces. Nothing fancy, but I was satisfied with both pieces, and atleast the journey’s begun.
• Generally arrived at a vision for my professional life, even as the details remain to be worked out.

It was, despite everything, quite a full year. Or perhaps it was a full year because of everything.

Happy new year, folks! I hope we manage to be better humans in 2021.

Look at us all, getting caught up in the US elections! We all want to know how it will end, and we’re all checking the news several times a day (right?).

I’ve never been this invested in foreign elections before (Lord knows we have endless problems of our own here!), but this time it matters a bit more than usual because of everything that Trump represents, even more than what the Republican Party represents. It matters that the North Americans went to vote in their highest numbers ever, and that they appear to be returning not Trump to office. This should have a healthy domino effect, even if at a psychological level, on the other fascists in power at present. But I worry that a significant percentage of the country will not accept a Trump loss, because they are convinced fraud is being committed against him. That’s a potentially dangerous situation, in a country that loves its guns.

Also, Ms. Paula White-what the fuck, man. Why are you making a mockery of the whole ‘speaking in tongues’ thing? False depictions of actual religious experiences gets my goat. (Not claiming to be particularly theologically learned or well read about Christian experiences of the Holy Spirit, and speaking in tongues. But from what little I have read and understood, it appears to be very similar to Kundalini experiences. And, in an unprepared body, Kundalini experiences can resemble some mad shit. It’s not bullshit, though a lot of people either fake it, or foolishly seek it thinking it to be a sign of spiritual elevation. If you are experiencing too strong Kundalini movements-body jerking/involuntary movements, vocal cords emitting sounds involuntarily- chances are you are actually being warned by your system that you aren’t spiritually ready to safely conduct the Kundalini energy. There are techniques you can and must practice to prepare the body, and to ground yourself. Anyway, I digress.)

This week has been a blessing in terms of mental health, and I attribute it to two factors. One, I requested prayers for a bunch of people, including myself, anonymously, from the organisation my Guru set up. I’ve never felt okay asking for prayers for myself, because I figured I ought to be able to do it myself, and keep their ‘prayer load’ free for those who need it more than me and are incapable of praying themselves. But, I was desperate, *shrug*, and I know that nobody actually thinks in terms of-oh why should I pray for a fellow devotee, she can do it herself. And two, I started making sure I move, in whatever little way I can, as much as I can. Physical movement has made a huuge difference to my energy level, mood, and can-do-ness. I was and am incapable right now of going for walks, doing my yoga routine, but I was and am capable of getting up every hour and jogging in place for a minute or two. Of stretching, of bouncing on my feet. Just that has got enough endorphins flowing and improved the conditions of my energetic body (a person noticed that my chakras suddenly went from depleted to healthy again, without my having told them I’m doing things differently). I’m very grateful.

I have work to do today, and enough coffee (I hope) to pull an all-nighter.

Also, apropos of nothing, I would really, really like a Jet pack. Maybe it’s time to begin investing in a mutual fund, so I can maybe afford one while I still retain my teeth, and bladder control.

June is ending in ten days. It’s the middle of the year. A good time to evaluate how things are, right? Or maybe I’m just feeling antsy about how half the year has already passed and need to write some shit down.

There was (from my privileged position) a blissful calm, a tangible feeling of the slowing down of time (for everybody, not just me. Everybody was forced to get off the treadmill) for the first two months of the lockdown, heck even into mid-May. Now that period feels firmly in the past. The world around me is moving again. Lockdown has lifted, people are back at work. It feels less legit to ‘slow down’ because of the pandemic, even as the coronavirus stats daily keep growing to alarming proportions in India.

I feel like I need to move things along. While I have managed to keep my daily date with meditation and/or deep prayer, the depth of my engagement has reduced and the frequency of my Kriya practice has reduced. While on the regularity front it is a HUGE breakthrough- this is the longest I have EVER made it with a daily practice by like 3.5 months!-, and while the commencement of Kriya was also a massive breakthrough, the lack of depth + not keeping up with my initial Kriya frequency is me falling a few steps behind.

On the Pranic healing front- I’ve managed some regularity, but have on occasion fallen behind. Two weeks of no healing last month, and now, it looks like this week might manage just one healing. Dat not good, consistency here is critical.

On the writing and thinking front- I feel I broke some new ground here, having written two-three solid pieces. I even got my first byline. New ground, because I was able to access that innermost part of my self that I’ve been seeking to write from, outside of this anonymous blog. I’ve been able to reveal my spiritual beliefs more publicly, even on insta, and I feel I’m learning to do this now. I’m finding my public writing voice, and it is good. I have atleast one more piece that I wish to write, with this new-old voice.

On the work front-it tentatively looks like the awesome freelance writing gig might be back (won’t lie- I love that and am also nervous about deadlines again). I was offered the contract option again, but turned that down in favour of freelancing because I very much need the flexibility because increased housework right now + desire to use this still-unique time for spiritual practices and PhD. Speaking of, I had resolved to sit down with the dissertation from June. On 1 June I did, my brain was sharp and thinking hard, but that was the only day I managed because I got caught up with fundraising minutiae from the day after.  On that front I’m aware of the ticking clock, though the UGC might just deliver an extension.

What occassionally begins to suck a lot is the fact that my folks and I view this PhD completely differently. For me, if I am unable to finish it, there will be no shame. I won’t feel like I ‘flunked’ a grade (oh boy was that made into such a shameful affair in school!), because I feel like I learnt a lot, and grew a lot as an individual in this long phase. It’s been a blessing to me, because it has given me the time and, for three years, money, to work on my self, many of my issues, and my spiritual practice. The money was awesome too, because I, for the first time, was in a position to pay my fees myself. I would NOT have been able to make space for this growth if I was working a job after my MPhil. So from that angle, this has already been a win, albeit not one the mainstream world would perhaps count as a win.

It gets a bit emotionally difficult to hear my folks anxiety about my finishing the degree. The adult version of ‘why are you not studying/ did you study/ when will you study’. I understand that they’ve been patient, and have not really given me the kind of grief most parents would have given an offspring like me for taking so long with this PhD. They’ve insisted on supporting me financially from the day my fellowship ended, even though I’ve tried to get them to stop. They are generous and wonderful, I truly get that. And yet, it’s still difficult facing and knowing how they feel about me not finishing the degree. They definitely would feel it as a failure, as a matter of shame.

Right now ofcourse, they also feel that if I had finished, was close to finishing, I wouldn’t have had to stay on in Calcutta during the pandemic, I could have joined them in Delhi. That we could have been together. And I feel so much guilt acknowledging (to myself) that I’m grateful and relieved to not have had to be with them in Delhi in this time. I would not have been able to make the gains that I have, if I would have been there, because I would have had less time, AND less energy because being around family for long periods of time these days also means coming face to face with issues I and we need to work on. That uses up a LOT of emotional energy, and I wouldn’t have been able to go away to a cafe to get time and space to myself either. I needed this space, I’m enjoying this space, and that’s a complex reality to acknowledge. It is possible they are missing me more than I am missing them, and that’s a complex reality to acknowledge as well (except my brother- I miss him). Offspring can really be thankless assholes, no?

***    ***

My broadband’s down since yesterday. I’m afraid to look up how much of my 24 gb data pack I’ve used up watching two seasons of People of Earth and one season of Upload. A long outage like this is worrying, because it might be indicative of a serious fault, and BSNL these days barely has any personnel left to come around for repairs.

Tomorrow is a big eclipse and people are going nuts about it. I don’t know how much of the info floating around is bullshit superstition and how much is actually true. I’ve promised home I will not be eating during the eclipse, and that I’ll keep all the curtains drawn. I’m suspicious about the latter instruction because as long as I’m not looking at the eclipse with my bare eyes, why should it matter? I guess I’ll do some research on this. My spiritual organisation will be doing a 24 hour meditation in honour of International Day of Yoga, which is also tomorrow. I’m hoping to join a part of that, as long as my data holds out.

And on that note, I end this very long post, and go back to updating my fundraiser google sheet and calculating how many phone calls I will need to make tomorrow.

Edit: Lolzes, it wasn’t 24 gbs, it was 6-ish GB and I have a little over 1 GB left.

 

I rarely get angry the way I did last night. The last time I felt such blazing anger and panic was around 2 years back.

I needed to meditate to shed the anger late last night, after panic-bathing my throat in post-midnight hot lemon water and chyawanprash. I needed to use a meditation technique to calm down.

On examining my anger, I realised it stemmed from two basic things: 1) Fear of being exposed, via people who had just taken a flight, and 2) the almost injustice of the lack of consideration on their part. Did I not deserve that consideration (yes, yes I did.) The latter reason is a repeat pattern in my life- I get triggered by (what I perceive as) gross injustice and unfairness very, very much.

(Several years ago, at an academic conference in my institute, one group of marginalised people suddenly became really shitty to another group of marginalised people (they DEMANDED the adivasi participants of the conference fucking DANCE for them!). There were protests in the room, but not enough to prevent them from being forced to dance. I was so angry that I felt I had to exit the room or I would explode. I stormed out, barely managing to slip into my floaters, left my phone and bag behind, and rage-walked around the neighbourhood block twice before I calmed down enough to go retrieve my stuff.)

Whether ‘justified’ or not, this is not permitted to me. My yogic vows don’t allow it and *I* expect more of myself. Allowing the mind to go wild is a stupid thing to do- it hurts me more than it hurts anybody else, and achieves nada.

I’m not allowed to let anybody get my goat, that is REALLY important in my sadhana. And it looks like I’ll have a lot of practice over the next two weeks at protecting my goat, since my supposed-to-be-quarantining-and-self-isolating neighbours rang the bell this morning again, and stood right there without a mask. I don’t expect this to change much.

 

Will it grow if I stare at it?

Apparently, yes, and I’m finding the growth of these onion bulbs extremely encouraging these days. Soon I’ll be able to snip off some of the greens and cook with them.

A part of the reason they took so well to being potted is because they had already begun to sprout shoots and roots (after spending I’m-embarrassed-to-publicly-reveal-just-how-much-time in the fridge). In ordinary times I would have probably just chopped them up as is. Now however…but more on that a little later.

I’m hoping to replicate this soon-to-be bountiful growth with some store bought garlic. I love garlic shaak (garlic greens), but haven’t found them in the market in years. Thems not having yet spent months time gestating, I’m trying to help along with a soaking in a bottle cap lined with tissue paper, faithfully re-dampened daily. Once I see signs of green shoots appearing, I’ll transfer them into a pot.

All this, mind you, is thanks to my mum’s love for greens and balcony gardening. Many an argument I’ve had with her about the futility of bringing in more and more plants to Kolkata, because they inevitably die during my periodic long absences from the city. To no avail- she hasn’t yet met a plant she hasn’t deeply desired a cutting of (to re-grow at home). A material legacy of the many deceased plants is the collection of pots and soil that are now coming in handy. She even started a composting system the last time she was here, in early March, which should be an additional boon for my nascent forays into growing edibles.

Her green fingers are such that she managed to grow a flourishing genda phool (marigold) plant at home in Delhi from the dried remains of the genda bought last Kali Puja. (Being a lover of genda phool, I’m trying to do this myself now. No luck as yet, but perhaps this needs more time in the soil.)

I’m also trying my luck with chilli. Today I noticed a shoot tentatively showing itself. Just the one, but I’m thrilled.

Urban gardening youtubers have so many wonderful videos about growing chickpea greens and dhaniya (coriander) hydroponically. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be trying my hand at both.

For now though, I continue to remain thankful to the farmers and all the people involved in reaching my produce to me.

Corona-processed lot for the week. Dunked in soapy water, re-dunked in plain water and laid out to dry-and dry out :(- in the sun.

                                                                                ***    ***
In ordinary times, like I mentioned, I’m not a very enthusiastic gardener. Not so long ago I wrote in here that I’d be embracing a simplification of my life, and a part of that would be saying bye bye to house plants. Hello neighbourhood trees and all that. The pandemic changed that and made me realise the importance of building hitherto superfluous (or so I thought) skills and a greater level of self-sufficiency. I’m an urban softy. I need to learn, bit by bit, to grow what I can by way of food in my balcony (privileged as I am to have one), and learn basic repair and upkeep skills (this though, is a more long-term goal. I’m not going to turn into a plumber or an electrician overnight.)

I’m having a hard time gathering my thoughts and articulating them in here. And naturally, I’ve been having plenty of thoughts, like most of the world, on the Covid-19 situation and the changes it has wrought in the world we are used to, and on our priorities. I’ve been thinking of writing in here for a couple of weeks now, but I haven’t known how to begin. Even now, as I type, I’m conscious of a robotic, staccato rhythm to my words, which feels disconcertingly alien. I feel similarly impaired with respect to my journal, and haven’t written in there since the beginning of March, before the situation became so grave.

I’m so very, very grateful for many things during this time, big and small. Most of all I’m just so grateful all this happened not in mid-Feb but mid-March. Mid-Feb I would have crumbled under the lockdown and knowledge of spiking infection and death rates across the world and only known to view the situation through the lens of despair. I mean, if you think about it, one dire situation after another has plagued India since December 2019 (August 2019 if you live in Kashmir)- first the regime approved violence against university students and civilians protesting against the citizenship amendment act, followed by the Delhi riots, followed by covid-19. It’s been no better in other parts of the world- the fires for Australia, Brexit and floods in the UK, amongst others.

What changed in the space of one month is that I vowed to truly practice my word for 2020- surrender- and sit in prayer and meditation- whatever little I could manage-every day. I would hold these sessions to no criteria or condition except one- that for however long I sat, I would meditate/pray with intensity, and with every fibre of my being.

I cannot overstate how much that has helped me. It brought back my atunement with God and Guru, and allowed me to rediscover a lot of the equanimity, peace, joy, reassurance, hope and lightness of being that comes with a regular spiritual practice of any kind.  It has helped me keep clear, one-pointed sight on the fact that everything is Divinely designed. This present situation is not chaos. And that makes all the difference.

I am choosing in this time to limit the amount of news I’m consuming (because all I can do right now is pray hard for all affected, donate money, and help out my elderly neighbours with grocery runs). My focus has been on strengthening the practices I value most, which seem much more important than the PhD in the overall scheme of things- my spiritual practices and growing my awareness of God and Guru, mostly.

Prayer helps. And the more people praying the world over right now the better, I firmly believe.

I’ve finally become ready to begin my kriya practice (more than a year after my initiation!).

I’m following a weekly Pranic healing schedule for one member of my family. I’m cooking, eating wholesome meals, doing housework, a bit of yoga, keeping my heart and mind well. This month onwards I’m also hoping to resume a few hours of PhD work and becoming more regular at exercise.  And ofcourse, I’m trying to grow edible things.

I hope, dear reader, that you and your loved ones are well and remain well. Hang on for just a while longer.

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year, Folks!

My mind is scattered in a hundred different directions, as I sit here writing. I’m accompanied by a cousin and some friends. I’m distracted by their conversation; it’s a small table, at my favourite coffee shop. Consequently, I haven’t achieved much: not many words down, nor a coherent stream of thoughts.

In a few hours, the year turns. Friends and acquaintances are doing annual life-review posts on facebook. I usually do one here on the blog, for my own record, but the conditions won’t allow me to take the time and space out for one here, nor in my journal, this year. I have a cousin and my mum staying with me, and I won’t be alone as midnight ticks over.

It has been a mixed year. Many storms have raged through my being. Many moments of unearned Divine Grace (is there any other kind?) have lifted me, when I was least expecting it, to heady highs. Intoxications of love, bliss, relief. Such highs and lows. I wish I had displayed the grace to ride it through with calm acceptance. But I have resisted, dug my feet in, afraid, struggled, fought. I haven’t been able to let go. I will let go. Dearest 2020, whatever you bring, I will work my hardest to let go.

I wish you all, dear readers, a hopeful, peaceful, purposeful, intentional, kinder 2020. Happy New Year! 🙂